Early bird?

I have decided to leave for surgery earlier than originally scheduled after careful consideration of what consequences delays could bring. I depart later for HUKM for expedited action. Even so, it's safe to say that the confirmed date for my third major surgery in 11 months will fall on the 7th of August 2009 but if I'm lucky (or not), I'll get an earlier date to relieve myself from the misery I've withstood for the past 4-5 weeks.

Thank you to those who are concerned for me. You are my burning candle in this pathless journey.

My sincere apologies to those that I've offended. Please try to understand that I'm only human and emotions run high when you're battling against sarcoma cancer.

Surgery No. 4.

Music: Orbital - Halcyon (Tom Middleton Re-Model) (click to download)

I know I haven't posted much these few months. I thank my readers for their patience and understanding that during my absence, I'm nursing my condition and recuperating to the extent that I've had no appetite to blog on a regular basis.



After going through another cycle of cytotron in Bangalore, I requested to return early, having stopped midway through my therapy complaining about frequent nose bleeding and swelling of both the orbital and temporal area.

Fast forward to date, I am finding it increasingly hard to control my balancing and causing neck strains when there is a fluid build-up in the affected regions. The swelling has somehow pushed some cancer-infected cartilages from my sinus downwards towards my right nostril, triggering breathing problems. Severe headaches are also noted in the mornings too.


See the white stuff within the right nostril...that's my cancer pushed down to the tip of the nostril FROM the sinus.

Throughout my journey as a sarcoma cancer survivor, my experiences battling with it has been met consistently with stumbling blocks may it be in the form of therapy options or medical financial aid. But I'm thankful that at each hurdle that I meet, there's some form of reprieve. Many people out there who suffer the same plight don't get the necessary help to move forward so my heart goes out to those who are still longing for a break.

So, I brave myself for another personal milestone. Another craniotomy is scheduled this 7th August 2009 in HUKM to perform further cancer mass debulking and address alleged cancer cell apoptosis/necrosis in the swelled areas. That translates to three major surgeries in the period of 11 months!



It is my heart's desire to seek God for His grace, ensuring a successful op and quick recovery. I will never give up on my family and the good Lord will rise me up again from this forthcoming surgery.

D'Moments captures my hope in faith.

Music: Hillsong United - King Of All Days (click to download)

I've always told my friends that for a cancer patient, you sometimes enjoy good days and then there are really horrid ones that inflict you with pain; dishearten and hinder your thoughts of survival. It isn't exactly rocket science to understand that different people resort to different means to calm themselves.

For me, regardless of what sort of day I go through, one thing that's been holding me up is my faith and trust in the good Lord. I am comforted by His presence when I pray and I feel blessed to be able to communicate through the prayer channel with Him. I've still a long way to go as I am only a 'Padawan' when it comes to having a strong relationship in Christ. It's important that I make a note to myself daily to thank God for keeping me alive today. Sarcoma cancer is aggressive and the term 'metastasize' is something I'm familiar with but shudder to think of. I regulate my breathing; consume the book of Job (the man who epitomizes the term 'faith' and also a lesson that we may question but not critic God's methods as we're here to appreciate His unfathomable feats), flip towards Isaiah 61 (He comforts my broken heart and is my Salvation), shed tears upon reading Luke 19:10 (Again, I am saved through His grace...despite my ignorant past) and thank God wholeheartedly anyway. In life, I think it's best to live it like there's "nothing to win and nothing left to lose" (Paul Hewson).

Last week, D'Moments Photography invited me to be a part of their special photo series in a church in Penang. The outcome was a series of poignant black & white shots of me coming to terms that Christ remains my Salvation and the serenity of that thought. Kudos to Mr. Rudy Choong & Mr. Bobby Yeoh for their time and effort to take me out on my first ever professional photo shoot. I should have done this in high school when I had youth on my side!

Are things getting tough?

Music: Scott Weiland - Sentimental Halos (click to download)

It's been two long months and I'm still waiting and hoping for answers in my quest for palliative care against mesenchymal chondrosarcoma. The last time anybody dared to use the term at me was way back in 2006 when I had my first bout with it. It is indeed difficult for patients with recurrent episodes of skull-base cancer in Malaysia to seek for proper follow-up health care. There is no availability of technology for one. And the obvious is the rarity of what yours truly is going through. I'm glad that I've not stumbled across whack practitioners that will randomly prescribe anything...say, chemo drugs or repeat conventional radiotherapy in precisely the same area that's been treated before, just to get me out of their hair.

I keep asking God if I'm supposed to wait for new symptoms to crop up or may I be enlightened with some directions soon. Speaking of the former, my right nose started to bleed again just a few hours back. The last time I hit the panic button in mid January, my doctor told me only another debulking surgery could have helped me. Now, I've read about people who've been through hell and back; checking in and out of surgery wards for as long as they could remember but honestly I have no intention of following suit.

Why am I slowly waiting in agony?
For a miracle drug to cure this bug?
And while my worries are halted in His reprieve,
The clock ticks on synonymous with each air I breathe.

If faith is what holds me still,
Can I at least have the belief that medicine cures the ill?
Seeking high and low if just for a path,
It's still useless - everything leads to my epitaph.

Thank you to all my friends, the Malaysian Chinese Association and doctors from HUKM  for being concerned about how I'm pulling through and helping to shoulder this burden with me. If I ever have anything to smile about these days, it's because of you.

Take this battered ship.

Chondrosarcomas are stubborn as a mule. After getting my latest scans, it looks like the cancer mass is scattered everywhere around the skull and sinus. Here is a scan of the report:







This new MRI scan indicates; from what's relayed to me by the radiologist, that the cancer mass rests primarily around the masseter muscle region. That probably throws away the notion that I'd only need a neurosurgeon should another dreaded surgery be required in the near future. I'd need a hella good plastic surgeon to tackle this.

Why isn't there an option for me post-surgery to counter these things before they show up?

Down...but not quite out.

Music: Rufus Wainwright - Smile (click to download)

I thought it would take a lifetime before I could muster the courage to write again, after all that I've been through in the past 2 months. Yes, I've survived yet another bout with chondrosarcoma and I remain thankful to everyone that's been pouring in such tremendous support during my third surgery in three years.

There's still much to do and although I would like to disclose the details, I really can't be certain of anything given the fact that I'm nursing a leaked dura layer along my cavernous sinus post-surgery. It's healing at its own pace but better that than status quo. Until I have some answers or leads, let's focus on things other than my niggling health issue.

I've been filling up time watching boring political thrillers to spending my short days (I've been having trouble sleeping) thinking of the route ahead whilst sipping on cups of infused lemongrass. Even so, I've never wanted to associate myself with your typical cancer patient; depressed, angry and beat. This is where all my readers and friends fill in the hole in my spirits. I acknowledge the joy of your company and correspondence to me so keep it coming!

Surgery no.3 becomes history.

Surgery number 3, with the objective to debulk more cancer mass has just been completed a few days ago.

Acknowledging that recovery isn't looking to be easy this time around. But I'll soldier on. Always have, always will.

If it sounds scary, it probably is.

No, we're not talking about Friday 13.

So after much hesitation, I've finally got my latest MRI scan done in Hospital UKM. By looking at this report, it looks like I've got a hill to climb. I still want to get my PT (proton therapy) done in Boston so I'll climb that hill if that's what it takes for me to get a better chance at eliminating this cancer.
_________________________________________________________

MRN: N211322
MRI Brain 12 Feb 2009

Clinical data:
30 y.o male, k/c aggressive recurrent mesenchymal chondrosarcoma. Multiple debulking done 2006-2008. Rt enulcleation done Sept 2008. MR to reassess tumor. KIV debulking.

Sequence:
Arial: T1WI, T1W1, FLASD2D
Coronal: FLAIR
Sagital: T1W1

Comparison made with previous MR dated 23 09 2008.

Findings:
The previously seen heterogeneously enhancing mass in the right middle and anterior cranial fossa is currently larger, measuring 8.7 (w) x 6.4 (ap) and 9 am (cc). It is relatively hypo to isointense to grey matter on T1W and slightly hyperintense in T2WI & FLAIR.
Medially the mass crosses the midline and obliterates the entire post-nasal space. The mass also involves both cavernous sinuses, however both ICA are patent.
Superiorly the mass extends into the extradural component of the right anterior and middle cranial fossae. There is also extension into the right frontal sinus causing fluid retention.
Posteriorly there is involvement of the right temporal lobe and the clivus with surrounding edema.
Anteriorly there is evidence of right orbital enulcleation and the orbital space is replaced by the mass. No clear demarcation between the mass and the posterior wall of the right maxillary sinus. Presence of fluid retention within the right maxillary sinus.
Inferiorly the mass extends to the right pterygoid fossa region, with involvement of the medial and lateral pterygoid plates and muscles. The right parapharyngeal space is obliterated. The normal configuration of the right parotid gland is not appreciated, which is suggestive of infiltration into this gland. No prevertebral extension as the mass is limited posteriorly by the prevertebral fascia.
Laterally the right infratemporal space and right masseter muscle are involved.

The previously seen enhancing mass in the right parietal scalp (tumor deposit) is no longer present.

No other focal lesion within the brain parenchyma.
No midline shift.
No hydrocephalus.

Impression:
Known case of mesenchymal chondrosarcoma which shows worsening of the local extension compared to previous MRI.

_________________________________________________________

I'll see if I can get some MRI images up here in the next few days. No promises because I'm doing quick posts from the hospital and I don't think it's even allowed but they were nice enough to oblige.

Another surgery beckons?

I was hoping that if I could observe silence from my blog, that meant good progress on my health. But I guess it's not written in the stars. For the past few days, I've been suffering just like any brain cancer patient would (and I'm a skull-based cancer survivor mind you) with the extreme headaches and depleted appetite. I consider it to be a luxury that I could muster enough strength to even write at this particular moment.

The sinus problem I've mentioned back in January has started to evolve from causing severe nose bleeds to splitting headaches (counteracting the pain with mefenamic acid 250mg) around the orbit and temporal area - just like the ones I've experienced back in Bangalore before undergoing cytotron. It also needs to be noted that I am coughing out phlegm occasionally with streaks of blood in it. I am thinking objectively and the upcoming MRI (on brain) & CT scans (on skull and chest) this Tuesday will bring my current health complaints into clarification.

Just like how my cancer progressed from nothing to something in a short span of 1 month back in mid 2008, my hunch is that it's rebooting itself again; reinventing itself now that it cannot attack my eyes. The pain is so intense that there are days when I feel like Jonah (in the Book of Jonah) - that God does giveth and taketh away. Just months ago, I was feeling optimistic again about the possibility of a cure. Today, I fall back into the same wormhole that I was in back in July 2008...lost and uncertain. But the Lord also does display profound mercy to those who believe and I hold my last clutches of hope in the promise of that.

The likelihood that I'm to require invasive surgery to solve this problem won't surprise me at all after all the hell I've been through for the past few weeks. Question is: shouldn't I have a longer gap between brain surgeries?

A precursor of things to come?

For the past few days, I have been experiencing what I deem as a precursor to what I suspect is a ruptured blood vessel. Blood drips profusely from my right nose like tap water for two consecutive days now. It happens in the early morning when I clear my sinus by blowing my nose. The floodgates remain open for 1 minute and halts after attempts to stop the bleeding through conventional means (pressing hard against the nose bridge).





Where the damage stems from will be determined by an Ear, Nose & Throat specialist that I plan to obtain advice from by tomorrow.

There goes my uneventful first quarter of 2009.

UPDATE (17 January 2009 @ 1400 hrs): Dr. Goh, ENT specialist from Loh Guan Lye Hospital assured me that yesterday's episode wasn't as serious as initially thought. Upon inspection, he verified that the bleeding was caused by severe blood clots located around the paranasal sinus area (as illustrated, just before the ethmoid sinus region) which is near the surgery site. As per his indication, it looks to be drying up and healing so he has only prescribed antibiotics for a week's duration.

UPDATE (18 January 2009 @ 0245 hrs): So much for the term 'healing wounds'. Bled again after sneezing heavily in the middle of the night.

Post-cytotron: What's been going on?

Music: Explosions In The Sky - Our Last Days As Children (click to download)

Now, why would I go and post another post-rock song in my blog!

Before I answer that; a little update on my life after the India experiment. We'll start off with the good news.

The upside has been a slight improvement in my facial sensation and the throbbing pain in my temporal area has disappeared after 6 weeks of cytotron treatment. The kind physicans there tweaked with the facial nerves and were absolutely determined to convert the non-differentiated cancer cells into differentiated ones; stable, non-metastasizing cancer cells. How I wish the buck stopped there...but there remains a few obstacles for my life to even return to partial normalcy.

Upon returning home from India, I've been experiencing excruciating headaches almost every morning which has further dampen my spirits whenever I'm not around friends or family. Coupled with other post-treatment effects such as severe itchiness over the treated areas and occasional reminders of splitting pains around the now-void eye area, I often stay in bed weathering the storm till the late afternoons. If that wasn't severe enough, my appetite has also significantly decreased over the past week and I'm living on a meal a day these days.

On the emotional front I guess it's easy to disguise my loneliness when I have set some goals to achieve in 2009. The best advice I can give to able-bodied cancer patients is that you plan out your months sparingly with key events (outings or things to do) and maybe seek God for a moment of 'random kindness' or opportunities to love and care for others. Believe me, giving during this difficult time lifts your spirits up more than anything else. Even the simplest of things - like fixing your friend's iPod can contribute to your day's smile. A sense of achievement even when you're at your most fragile phase of your life.

Now, to explain my obsession with songs post-rock. To be honest, my life evolves around this particular genre because of how emotionally evoking it can be. I really don't know for certain what's to be expected this early February 2009 when I get my latest MRI scans out. The week-long delay is caused by a suggestion from my family that I should chill for the moment and let the Lunar New Year pass before inviting any POSSIBLE unwelcome news.

My logical plan upon receiving a detailed report to my February 2009 scans would be to devise a plan to obtain proton therapy treatment in either Wanjie Proton Therapy Centre in China or go States-bound: Massachusetts General Hospital. All these plans remain tentative as it leans on the oncologist's confidence in the procedure considering its size, dodgy location and my treatment history. Should the mass expand to a non-treatable size, I may even have to get another craniotomy done. Yikes!

I've been meaning to write about my experiences in Bangalore but they all seem too scientific for a common man like me to decipher. I still am adamant that I should be able to forge something out of the sessions I've had with the kind physicians in Scalene Cybernetics. Please accept my apologies for the late transmission.

Blessed Christmas to all.

Music: Casting Crowns - Joy To The World (click to download)

Hear ye! Hear ye!

I would like to wish all readers a blessed Christmas and New Year! Let this season be the time whereby we rejoice and exclaim our thanks to the Maker for giving us the opportunity to love! Even in my condition, I never stop believing in the Lord's promises through the Scriptures and taking up the opportunities laid out by our Holy Father to help and express love wherever we may be.

As I take another step towards recovery, I'm glad to have Jesus in my life and comforted by the fact that He has prepared for all of us a better place (Romans 8:18) should we heed His call to return. I've always had a firm belief that our Saviour listens to our faithful and righteous prayers (James 5:16) and I am utterly grateful to people across the world, notably my countrymen, who have been so selfless by being steadfast in their prayers for me. If that is not love, I don't know what is!

A closure to Bangalore.

Music: Deerhoof - Chandelier Searchlight (click to download)



My time in Bangalore, India is coming to an end. Earlier last fortnight, my mind kept wandering during my daily hourly cytotron treatment in Scalene Cybernetics Ltd. You tend to think a lot when you’re immobilized; some happy thoughts and many profound. Then my mind kept urging me to go to the theme of love. Yes, without a doubt, I have experienced tremendous affection from people all around me back home in Malaysia and in India.

Even so, I’ve been unable to maintain a good relationship with my fussy and scheming former guesthouse host here in Bangalore who has made me a ‘persona non grata’ during my stay. I was quick to realise his scandalous ways and immediately sought after another place to stay - which turns out to be the exact opposite of his morbid home. Furious in the name of justice, I compensated those emotionally exasperating thoughts by consoling myself; telling myself repeatedly that you win some, lose some and then you forgive.

Considering this insight, of course there are times that I could have understood some Bangaloreans better to have long conversations about how they see themselves in 5 years’ time. Because of the language barrier, you often rely on intuition, eye contact, body language and body gestures to speculate what they’re trying to communicate across to you. Fortunately, I’m Asian so I think I got my guesses right most of the time!

And then, there are always the enjoyable but hazardous auto-rickshaw rides I’ve had during my time here, an essential form of transport in Bangalore. I’ve posted on this particular subject before so in epilogue, I just want to summarise that an auto-rickshaw ride is like an FPS (first-person shooter) game gone bad. It’s like a Japanese/Thai horror genre film in first person; you just shut your eyes to skip the stomach crawling parts.

Hygiene and toilet manners are huge problems here with a lack of recycling facilities available for the rural parts of the country. You often spot civilians throwing cigarette butts and plastic cups just about everywhere you can imagine. As toilets aren’t freely available within certain areas - and toilet papers very costly - there is also a tendency for the working class to urinate openly into drains and public grounds.


A primary school kid hanging outside a convenience store located in the village area.

Food delicacies of India remain a muted fascination because I hardly had a chance to explore the city’s celebrated restaurants. The eateries that I’ve been to failed to suppress my reverence that Malaysian food is still ‘numero uno’. I still bleed Malaysian and yearning for home. I can’t wait to get back to good ol’ Penang for some wok action! Here’s a little holler at you, Uncle Tony! In addition to that, wheat consumption is evidently just as high as rice so bakeries are a norm. I noticed that bakeries usually operate as convenience stores too; sprouting in every village corner. However, don’t expect them to carry condoms!

In response to a friend who has urged me to pay a visit to the Bollywood cinemas, I regret to feedback that most old picture houses have been replaced with the new and that a cinema ticket costs double what we would pay in Malaysia. Yes, how strange...considering the non-existence of piracy, at least in the Bangalore city area.


A young construction worker in Bangalore.

Bangalore isn’t all that bad and just about missed opportunities. One good thing about life here is that you’re often surrounded by professionals and intellects. By making affordability and availability of books a norm, they have caused a domino effect in addition to championing their nation’s wealth of writers. I envy the pace of their writers’ output! Stores and sidewalk bookstands’ sales are driven by the good sales they enjoy selling fiction and non-fiction works from the world’s literary greats. This has ultimately spawned a wide array of genuinely powerful thinkers to drive Bangalore in the future. And while we’re on the subject of affordability, I reckon that India is the only place in the world where you can get a USD$0.80 haircut!


Cheap haircuts and a nice backrub...all in one place!


All your daily needs here along the streets of Sivajinagar.

Another reason why I’ve been happy throughout my time here was because a lot of people in Bangalore have proved my preconceptions wrong. You’d be amazed by the amount of diligent and warm people here, doing their best to make an honest living. India (or Bangalore rather) is a nation full of potential – if only there was a better form of governmental leadership and a system that is humanely concern about the grouses of its people. The commoner (or as Aravind Adiga kindly put it – ‘half-baked’ Indians) here suffers greatly from absence of sustainable opportunity. Despite difficulties, it’s heart-warming to see that Bangaloreans are truly kings and queens of street marketing. They make the ‘pasar malam’ scene back home seem trivial as most night owls flock street markets here (i.e: Devasandra Main Road and Sivajinagar street market) in mammoth numbers.


Mr. A. Arputhan, the sweet comedian who happens to be in the same boat as yours truly.

I also enjoyed my nightly couch talks with fellow patient, Mr. A. Arputhan, who works as the Assistant Director for the State Income Tax Board (Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri). Apu; shortened that way as ‘arpu’ in Tamil means ‘to itch’, also from Penang, suffers from glioblastoma. Despite the occasional gibberish resulting from his ailment, the daft comedian remains a very loving father, who displays the meekness of a virgin cow. Through my observation of Apu’s state of mind post-surgery, I’m encouraged to seek solace and comfort in the things I already have. He remains in Bangalore for the next fortnight so I bid him best of faith and that the Lord will raise him up for the challenges ahead!

To summarise it all, Bangalore is still a very pleasantly economical place to visit but be visceral and budget-savvy so that certain circles of stereotypical Asian opportunists don’t milk you dry.


So far it's all God's mercy and good work that's pulled me through...

Nothing is perfect with or without cancer. Despite all these accumulated exposures (28 days' worth of 1 hour cytotron treatments & 14 days' worth of 2 hour cytotron treatments) and experiences, I am heading back home to Malaysia praying for a miracle. My new MRI scans will take place in a month's time. The last scan done upon completion of my 1st 28-day cycle showed no significant increase in the cancer mass in my brain. However, with it being physically there and active, I remain wary about what to expect in January 2009. And whatever’s to happen thereafter is anyone’s guess. But what I’m certain of is that God has bestowed me with a gift - or you could categorise it as a divine miracle – that I have the gift of a strong will power to live. I think most people here and back home that know me or have seen me would bear testimony to that. This great gift from our graceful Heavenly Father will carry me forward to the end of the race and I will continue to keep the faith and shout my thanks to the Lord (Luke 17:15) that is merciful to me.

I’d like to extend my gratitude to the people involved in making my stay in Bangalore a pleasant one and also to the people back in Malaysia who have kept us company with their text messages and prayers.

My next post will be on my cytotron treatment in Bangalore. See you guys down the line!

Risque driving in Bangalore.

Hang on TIGHT!

Perhaps I wasn’t prepped in such a way that I wouldn’t be baffled by the amount of odd driving habits practiced by the locals in Bangalore such as the incessant honking evident amongst auto-rickshaws, cab drivers, motorcyclists, truck drivers and private vehicle owners. I thought I’ve seen it all, coming from Malaysia, a country that’s prone to road accidents regardless of season.


A Bangalorean cab in the city square.

There is adequate evidence to support the notion that driving in Bangalore can factor in fear into one’s blood pressure. Yes, it even supersedes the reckless driving one may experience in other Asian cities and maybe New York City or Paris. To top that up is the obviously poor air quality Bangalore citizens have to endure daily. If you’re unlucky, chances are that anytime after noon in Bangalore is peak hour with hordes of speeding auto-rickshaws and truck drivers buzzing through the dusty streets of Bangalore with such haste and generating an overdose of noise. You’d think twice of being a pedestrian here.





Strangely though, there are also incidences whereby unlike other Asian countries, drivers don’t take it personally when honked at. They even sport ‘Sound Horn No Problem’ or ‘Sound Horn OK!’ motif on rear-end of their vehicles. To what extent is their tolerance remains a mystery though.

When stuck in a traffic jam, the cab drivers and auto-rickshaws go through a series of meticulous and daredevil manoeuvring, often cheating death at every corner and main junction. With streets so crowded you wonder where they learnt how to drive. In the rural areas maybe? This driving culture is so widespread that it doesn’t matter where you learnt how to drive because it still poses as a risk when you’re out in the streets. Most places in Bangalore have dark unlit roads so everyone drives with their hi-lights on which makes it even harder to navigate and take notice of the stray dogs scared for their lives in the road curve.

Generally, cab drivers tend to multi-task a lot as well. They fumble through their pockets for a cigarette or nonchalantly speak on their cell phone for numerous times (they argue that they’re actually ‘networking’). And guess what? Occasionally, you may end up in a cab that doesn’t have seat belts for both driver and passenger too!



Now for the informative bit. Cab drivers, from a foreigner’s experience, charge approximately 850 rupees for a city excursion. The drivers will linger around and remain under your service until he takes you home. At the end of the day, it is 850 rupees for an 8 hour shift with you or more depending on how far you’ve gone beyond the city limits. For long distance trips, the rate may hike up to 1200-1500 rupees depending on destination, type of vehicle (cab agencies have 4x4s too) and hours of usage.


Auto-rickshaws are a cheaper means of tranport but just as risky!

Auto-rickshaws are generally the preferred means of transport if you’re sort of restrained budget-wise. From where I am staying (approximately 20 km away from the city), hiring these riders would cost me 180-200 rupees for a one-way trip to the city centre IF it is a favourable drop-off point (i.e: shopping mall). So, it would be safe to summarise that 1 km on an auto-rickshaw is equivalent to 12 rupees. For short distance trips from within a particular village, it is customary to offer around 30-40 rupees for a one-way trip to anywhere within the area.

An unexpected appointment in Bangalore.

I’ll be frank with you. It’s hard to be cheerful and motivated all the time when you’re faced with an illness that’s bound to crop up if not policed accordingly. Sure, being a cancer survivor, it’s irritating enough being negative but I’d be lying if I told you that I haven’t felt that there are days when I sense that the end is near.

I still suffer throbbing glimpses of pain in my intracranial orbit a few times a day. Those are ones that bother me the most rather than my facial paralysis because it suggests that there’s still work to be done. This time, I’m hoping that it doesn’t cause a neurological discrepancy before I have time to detect its progression to a more cautionary level.



Dealing with anxiety, my mother and I have been trying to spend our days here like there is no tomorrow. We took the streets and our excursions led us to Brigade Road, a high street shopping bazaar that even Malaysians would be envious of. So it was a packed-to-the-brim sort of weekend in Brigade Road. To my left, a jewellery salesman; plying his trade as usual and selling his goods to tourists at exorbitant rates. To my right are a few clothing boutiques ranging from the now-obscure Pepe Jeans (unless you’re into F1 racing), Tommy Hilfiger, United Colors of Benetton to branded sports apparel stores.


Brigade Road...where the young dudes shop!

But what didn’t occur to me was that God sent a messenger that I would meet by chance. How that accidental meeting came about was through a simple “hello” on my part. This revitalising appointment set up by God with a benevolent preacher named Daniel was not a chance encounter but one that was pre-arranged by my Heavenly Father to wake me up in certain areas. It’s true that once you accept Him as your personal Saviour and seek His presence in your life, He makes it the best choice you ever made!



At the end of Brigade Road, whilst my mother was browsing through some beautiful garments at the mall, my eyes made contact with an Indian man, standing gallantly a few metres away. He was dressed in what seemed to me at the time, a pristine white sweater that could have been mistaken as an angel’s outfit if God wanted to despatch one to speak to me. When I addressed that gentleman, he unpretentiously glanced back, looking somewhat confused by this role God has summoned him for but certain of himself. He walked towards me and then I noticed the whites faded to green but pressed elegantly for someone his age. We shook hands and I explained to him the reason why I am in Bangalore. He introduced himself as Daniel, a former clergyman from a local Methodist church, St. Mark’s.

Our lengthy conversation on Christianity kicked off with him elaborating to me about his family being in Malaysia and that he has stayed back many years after the 2nd World War even though his relatives have fled to Malaysia. What surprised me the most was his striking resemblance to my Dad’s virtues; well-versed in the Scripture and an asserting character but better in the sense that he displayed a certain sense of calmness when preaching the good word of God.

He then asked me if I had faith in healing through Christ and without hesitation said, “Yes by all means!” He further illustrated that because of walking through faith alone, he was healed many years ago before any form of treatment was available in India for his health predicament. And he has survived up till this day! Doctors, he stated, are mere tools of healing but to achieve that, one should seek for Jesus for He is just and merciful to those who keep the faith. After all, if he was loyal and serving Him diligently, wouldn’t it have been a shame that God took away his life when he has such a big heart to offer to his community.

Daniel goes and shares with me about the power of prayer in life; your conversations with the Lord. Now, this is not something new and unheard of but Daniel then reiterated what my Dad has advised me before but with different sort of vigour: whenever you’re feeling overcome with despair, seek the worthy King for your full armour of God, belt of Truth, breastplate of Righteousness, shield of Faith, helmet of Salvation and sword of the Spirit (as quoted in Ephesians 6). If you’re still stuck in a rut, John 9 (when Jesus healed a man born blind) should be studied and meditated upon.

I stared at him obviously in awe and exclaimed “Amen!” in the middle of a crowded street. God had put my doubts and transgressions to a halt and turned my life around back in 2006. He knew that doubts were creeping up again and He, the great director and comedian, sent an angel in the form of an Indian pastor to remind me that He loves me!

God, I feel, didn’t stop there. When I requested my iPod to shuffle itself, it played Eric Clapton’s ‘Tears in Heaven’, I took the meaning of the song title in its literal sense; that is I’d like to be crying happy tears in heaven when I’m in the presence of the Lord.

Again, the limited internet access I have here in Bangalore may bring about long delays before I get another chance at blogging so I apologise in advance for my tardiness.

Bummin’ in Bangalore.

I arrived in Bangalore on the 9th of November with a disease - fragments of the last battle with my skull-based cancer. But I was hoping that my spirits, held high by the wonderful people back home, would cause a ripple during my expected four weeks here. After all, hasn’t it been foretold that God’s love is like a drop in the ocean?





To my mother, accompanying me out of concern, we came to Bangalore in search of the missing piece of the puzzle – a viable treatment to rid me of the residual cancer cells still nesting in my head. On and off during the day, I’d experience slight throbbing pains in the orbit. There are days when I worry that it would recur far sooner than we thought. Still, I shake away the anxiety and focus on the possibilities that cytotron could offer.



The weather in Bangalore shifts frequently from dry to chilly at every quarter-turn of the day. I recall spending the first few nights in my temporarily-adopted home in Seegahalli Road with no blanket in sight. It was cold enough to dry and flake my skin so we set out in a search for blankets to warm us through the nights.

My cytotron treatment in SCALENE’s Centre For Advanced Research And Development (CARD) spans for 28 sessions (from Monday to Sunday). Initially, I was flabbergasted for fears that my body isn’t allowed any weekend rest; previously allowed in conventional radiotherapy. I was then reassured by two respectable physicians Dr. Ranjith and Dr. Kumar (the creator of the cytotron machine) that in cytotron, the body usually doesn’t deteriorate over time and that I would have virtually no side effects to worry about. Present are two other notable patients also joining me in this crusade of a cure; a Mr. Rana (from Mysore, India) with colon cancer and Miss Edil (from Budapest, Hungary) with breast cancer that has metastasized to the liver.

As internet connectivity is unavailable here in my guest house and ironically even more scarcely available in the village centre, I spend many hours of my day reading through very affordable books; from Bono’s biography to exceptional literary works from India’s finest authors. These books are priced at approximately 30-40% off Malaysian bookstores’ rates. The obvious cause of this is because publishing houses, even famed ones like Harper Collins, have opened offices in India to cater for the knowledge hungry and aspiring intellectuals of India ranging from doctors to engineers to IT professionals.

On a personal note, it’s amazing that I’ve covered twice as many books in a week than I’d do in a month back home. India is an intellectual hub with many locals flocking for the latest information available in bookstores like Crossword and Landmark. Along the streets in Brigade Road, one can also stumble upon mainstream bestsellers at low prices too.

As it is, Bangalore (or Bengaluru) to me is defined as an archaic city with a modernistic subconscious harmonious etching her foreground. In the city, it’s still a safe bet to play caution if you have a ‘TOURIST’ label plastered on your face.



I’ll seek for more opportunities to post from a shabby internet cafe every few days. Please accept my apologies if blog posts become a rarity during my time here in Bangalore.

Cytotron: A viable alternative.

When life puts you in a corner and you have to choose between playing the waiting game, stay fickle-minded or act upon the best next course of action, being spoilt for choice suddenly becomes a dilemma.

The latest news is that I'll be leaving for Bangalore, India tomorrow to undergo an experimental cancer treatment called 'cytotron'. The treatment will last approximately 6 weeks. The good news is that I should still be able to obtain internet access so I can share with the world what this new treatment is all about. We've been hearing the buzz about proton therapy throughout my recent blog posts; which is still something I am seriously considering should my cytotron experience fail to yield any positive results. Being a cancer patient who has a limited budget and residual cancer sitting within my skull, I need to think and act fast to avoid any possible recurrence so soon after my major brain surgery.

I thank all my friends and family members again who have visited and offered solid advice, company and aid. Respect goes out to MCA and the Malaysian public for their compassion and understanding of my cancer journey.

Let's hope for a miracle to happen!

Have a happy birthday, November boys and girls.

Music: Modeselektor - Happy Birthday (click to download)

My post-surgery treatment beckons in a week's time. In the tradition of cancer patients striving to live it out and not be bed-ridden with distraught all the time, I'd like to raise a toast to all the Scorpios I know and those that I don't know (I really mean this). Have a happy birthday and never forget those who love and cherish you!

This November, my birth month, I am reminded that I don't need a birthday party to remind me how awesome Malaysians really are. I have their backing and dancing shoes so that my days are coloured pink rather than grey.

If you feel like swaying about alone in your living room, Modeselektor should get you in the mood. My fellow Scorpios should really fancy playing this track this whole November. I haven't danced in awhile but it won't stop me from tapping my feet.

And in the news...

Nationwide coverage on my struggle and predicament to find a means of treatment post-surgery (proton therapy) have been initiated by Malaysian humanitarians namely the philanthropic arm of MCA (Public Services & Complaints Department), headed by the compassionate Datuk Michael Chong, with the support of the local press. I feel blessed that they see it fit for me to find a resolve as soon as possible.

I have been spotted in these online news portals and publications:

In the Chinese press:
China Press - 男子患罕見癌症急需12萬醫藥費
LINK
Sin Chew Jit Poh - 罕見軟骨癌纏青年‧急需12萬醫費救命
LINK
Oriental Daily
[no linkage]
Guang Ming - 软骨癌门2次刀失右眼青年需要12万医药费
LINK
Kwong Hwa
LINK | LINK

In the Malay press:
Harian Metro - Pesakit kanser tengkorak tagih simpati
LINK

UPDATE (4 November 2008):
In the English press:
The Star
LINK | LINK

All the young dudes.

Being a cancer patient, you wage an ongoing war against the toxins and roguing cells in your body. There are days when you feel that the battle is lost and then there are days when you feel motivated to make your stance, all thanks to family and friends who will stand by you and offer you nothing short but their care and love.

I had the pleasure and honour of meeting up with my old schoolmates recently at a gathering held in Medusa Gold, Gurney Drive on the 11th of October 2008. These fine gents and ladies graced the event to commemorate my successful return from surgery and to raise funds for my post-surgery treatment. As there was no alcohol consumption on my part, I honestly, soberly felt on top of the world when I saw these old faces, some of whom I've known since grade school.

Even though the battle is long and hard, I do not question the benefits of emotional support that friends can bring into the frame of things. I would like to again thank Beng Shang for initiating this gathering and to everyone who has made the sincere effort to participate.

Here are some shots taken during the evening: