The lottery I do not want to win.

This may have been influenced up by what my third doctor said to me yesterday about tumor grades.

I must have gotten only two hours of decent sleep last night. Decided to get up early this morning at about 5 in the morning to read Wikipedia medical entries on brain tumor survival chances. Let's just say that it's no walk in the park for someone who's actually going to walk into the unknown territory of the term 'biopsy report'. I imagine my doctor talking to me after surgery with a serious frown, looks at me and says, "There are some things you and your parents may want to know...".

I think about all the people in the world diagnosed with some terminal illness and counting the years away from the moment they discover about their condition. Every single moment they live starts to count after that I reckon. The depression may probably come to a stage where it'll pass but at what expense? You're suddenly expected to snap out of the happy little life you've created for yourself. Your career means nothing anymore, obviously. Definitely not the sort of life anyone wants to live when you don't have a grip of your own destiny. I should really try get out more if my condition permits...my psychological state isn't that all balanced out right now.

Why am I always expecting the worst? My parents seem to be in a composed mood albeit an act of sorts. I do not even want to question my faith right now but it's seemingly difficult when you have so many things to think about jumbled up in this messed-up head of mine. A life as a mortal human being is and always will be a fight but its one that I'm fearing to go for if I'm dealt with a bad lottery ticket with the results' date upsettingly near.

In the end, I try to take heart to what my inspiring friend Eileen told me by e-mail yesterday that "...you may have 10 years more or 50 years more...in the end its how you make of it; your will to live.". All these important e-mails that I've been keeping from her will be a guiding light if I ever get through this.

It's medication time. Heading back to sleep in a shortwhile if I can.