The life of a freight forwarder and carrier representative.

Music: The Bird and The Bee - Again and Again (click to download) (thanks Kim from Cheras, Kuala Lumpur!)

This was published in a cargo forum website that I often visit for resources. Seriously funny stuff for people who know the freight lingo!

Dear Shipper/Buyer/Purchaser/Procurement Manager,

We are capable of calculating quotations for three major projects, making booking for 5 different shipments and answering 12 totally unnecessary calls per hour, all simultaneously. We do not require sleep and are at your service 25 hours a day, 8 days a week. Our home numbers are your numbers.

We are responsible for YOUR production delays, traffic jams, mechanical problems with trucks, aircraft and ships and depressed economic conditions overall. We are totally responsible for any lost or damaged freight and will personally replace it upon request.

We have powers which allow us to add unlimited weight and volume to and upon an already overloaded truck. We create miracles by loading unlimited weight and volume into airline/ sea freight containers. Further more, we can always motivate drivers to be your free-of-charge temporary employees to help with loading and unloading.

Yesterday's delivery requirements with cargo loading today are regularly completed the day before yesterday, ten times a day, every day. We know that when you order a truck for loading on Monday that you really needed it on Saturday, but that you only want the overnight load delivered the following Wednesday. You want us to be at the office on weekends & public holidays to unload your goods at the ungodly hours of 0200 hours to ensure that your operation gets up and running a few hours after.

We are always friendly with a smile, have mastered telepathy, show empathy and gladly act as our customers' psychiatrists. We embrace the challenge when you cancel the space with the airline and one hour later expect the airline to hold the space for you just in case you require the capacity again, and do this daily.

We embrace the opportunity that you allow us to develop our negotiation skills with airline staff in securing capacity on already overbooked flight and allowing us to freely negotiate a cheap spot rate for the freight as well.

We speak all languages and know the location of even the smallest town anywhere in the world. Some of us have even mastered the slang and accent of a particular country!

We are able to obtain a freight rate inclusive of clearance and door delivery to the strangest of places at a moment's notice. At your request we can comply with any and all additional requirements your company may have. We also repair vehicles and computers.

For undisturbed road traffic, we have clocked our vehicles and if that does not resolve a traffic jam, we are capable of freeing the roads of traffic, upon request, in order to meet cutoffs.

Naturally, payment of our invoices is optional, and if your company has financial difficulties we will gladly advance unlimited funds for as long as you require them.

Our lives have been enriched by the endless opportunities that you have allowed us to experience.

Sincerely,
Your Eternally Grateful Freight Forwarder

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...and this somewhat similar one's penned by a German bloke as an ode to freight forwarders around the world!

Dear Freight Forwarder,

We are capable of calculating quotations for 20 different bookings to 5 different destinations and answering your calls about where your shipment is, all simultaneously.

We do not require sleep and are at your service 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Our mobile numbers are your direct line, don't worry about the time.

We are responsible for customs problems, strikes, mechanical problems with trucks and aircraft, and any other problem.

We have powers which allow us to add unlimited weight and volume to a CR1 . We create miracles by loading your shipment, for which you gave us no correct dimensions or weight on any aircraft.

Furthermore, we can always motivate our Handling Agent to be your servant, accepting shipments after LAT, deliver the shipment 10mins after ATA and rebuild your pre-build pallets within 5mins. Contours we gave you are just recommendations.

We know that when you book a slot, that you'll bring the freight 10mins before STD, but you insist on flown as booked. Booked dimensions and weight might vary, +-5m +-5t. Don't worry, we'll manage! AWB and FWB Data don't match? No worries, we'll find out data required by CBP and will amend the AWB data, free of charge of course!

You want us to be at the office on weekends & public holidays to deliver your goods at 2am to ensure your truck returns back in time for your normal deliveries.

We are always friendly with a smile, have mastered telepathy, show empathy, and gladly act as our customer's psychiatrists. We oblige and often become the scapegoat too with your requests for explanations forwarded, dealing with your customers rage and impatience.

We embrace the challenge when you cancel the blocked space with us and one hour later expect us to block twice the volume for you just in case you require the capacity.

We leave a blind eye for most volume shipments that require you to cut-off dimensions on the AWB to reduce calculation when cargo's m3 needs to be applied. This ensures you can quote lower than usual to your customers and still make away with a significant profit. This is, of course, dependant on your relationship and negotiation skills with the ground handler.

We embrace the opportunity that you allow us to develop our rate negotiation skills but do you think all airline staff can live on rice and soja sauce? If you don't book before delivering the shipment we gladly just take the rate and flight you put on the AWB. We can do it and don't deserve more money for it.

We speak all languages and know the location of even the smallest town anywhere in the world. We are able to obtain a competitive freight rate, inclusive trucking, overnight custom clearance, straight delivery to any point of the world...

We're just happy to arrange a charte on Sunday for Monday. We can even provide your flight attendants kosher food and catering same day without prior notice.

Naturally, payment of our invoice is optional and if you doubt the chargeable weight, we will gladly just charge you the kilos you put on the AWB.

Our lives have been enriched by the endless opportunities that you have allowed us to experience.

Yours Sincerely,
Your Eternally Grateful Airliner